It's been a bad day.

We all have them. Today was just one such day for us. Mostly for Peyton and I. Some days I can almost forget their is anything different about him because I am so used to his behaviors and our routines, but when days like today hit, I am overwhelmed and outmatched. It started at 3:30 am when he was awake playing loudly in his room. I went in to tell him it was night time and he needed to go to sleep only to find him shoving flash cards into the heater vent. This lead to a 4:00 am unscrewing of the heater to get out all the cards so my house didn't end up in flames. I think this resulted in us both being a little tired and cranky today, but for whatever reason, all day, Peyton insisted on making as much trouble as possible (I have witnesses.) He was hitting, dumping, emptying, and jumping on everything in sight. The best was when he opened up the cupboards under the sink and took out both the dishwasher soap and the dishwashing soap and proceeded to put the dishwashing soap into the dishwasher leading to Brady eating some of it. I had already emotionally lost once, in front of people no less, and I really didn't know how much more I could take. No form of punishment seems to be working with him. Words mean nothing to him, it is just something for him to echo. Spankings are like a game, he doesn't care that he has disappointed us. Same goes for yelling. I try to remove him from the situation or put him in time out, but even that has little effect on him, as he was in time out several times today and he kept doing worse and worse things. Plus, I don't know why he is doing them. He is never being malicious. It's so hard. I hate feeling so helpless and out of control. I don't like being so angry at my son, especially if he can't help what he's doing.

To try and help things, get him some sensory input and a little energy output, I took the boys to Burger King to play for a bit this evening hoping it would help. It did at first, but then things started to happen that broke my heart even more. Peyton has a hard time interacting with other kids, he doesn't know how to communicate, but he wants to. At one point, there were two kids a bit older than him there playing together and I could tell he wanted in. First, he just followed them around, but then it seemed like he was actually playing with them.  I got so excited. They all came down the slide and Peyton had the biggest smile on his face. He ran to go up again and said "Let's do again," wanting the others to follow. I watched and waited for them to do so, but they didn't. Instead they continued to do their own thing playing together. When they finally returned up into the play structure they began to act as if Peyton was chasing them. Peyton thought it was a fun game saying, "I get you," like we always do. My heart began to break on the spot. Will my son always be the socially awkward kid no one wants to play with. I don't know if I can take it. I tried my hardest not to ball right there, but I teared up some. I guess I can find some solace in the fact that he was happy and didn't notice anything either way, but I don't know if that will always hold true.

Right now we have a lot of things in the works to help Peyton more, pre-school, possibly gymnastics and even a membership to the Children's Museum. I think he desperately needs these types of outside contacts and sensory stimulation's. But none of that is happening yet. In my head I like to believe we aren't that different, we can do things just like most everybody else, but maybe we can't. I'd also like to think I can do it on my own, so many others do, but maybe I can't. Days like today teach me I am not as adjusted to this as I thought. I still haven't let go to the picture of the son I once believed I had. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I have no idea how to parent this child and it is scaring the crap out of me.  But I still love him more than words and I truly want whats best for him, whatever that is.